I always wondered how someone who traveled so much and got to see so much of this wide world, still chooses to leave it. That was until I started traveling myself and understood that no matter where you are, you can’t escape what is inside you. You just carry it with you.
Sadly, the more you travel the world, the bleaker coming home becomes. You realise the inequality around you and how you're only lucky because you won the geographic lottery.
This emptiness soon follows you home, and what better to do than to feel the highs again, so you keep travelling. But once you're back, you fall into the same feedback loop of highs and lows all over again.
I think this is the reason why Bourdain never setttled into a permanent place, he's constantly running. But you can only run so much till you outpace yourself - and that's sadly what happened to him.
I read he was killed for exposing child trafficking via a movie he was helping to produce. The other two men involved in the film coincidently also suicided themselves. I think not.
The story is a bit unbelievable but I have a psychic friend who is also a medium and she has spoken to him in spirit several times. He was getting a little depressed the more he was in show business but it was because of what he saw in the industry. He loved his daughter and never wanted to go. He was forced to because he said he would expose things that people didn’t want exposed.
I don't know. I liked his books and shows, but lost respect for him when he put Asia Argento in his show. She came across as toxic to me, and he was clearly in love with her. He left his family to be with her. So it's complicated.
God, brilliant point, you’re dealing with so much nostalgia or with post-vacation blues, and it only increases the more impactful or transforming the trip, isn’t it?
Perhaps you’re trying to meet yourself somewhere ‘on the road’ and hope you do …because it’s a long road. I wonder if that’s a reason why some of us despair and lose our hearts and minds….
Could we therefore say that reading, meditation, self-discovery and learning how to be with ourselves is necessary to sustain our own lives, else we would fall into deeper despairs?
Sounds like an opportunistic reflection - just I am one with the mantra: “The world begins and ends entirely inside your mind.”
Imagine you are in an isolated house in the countryside where there are no city or street lights and when you look outside at night, you cannot see much. What you see, is illuminated by the lights of the house you are in. To see more, you might switch off the house lights, and although you can see more once your eyes adjust, it is then dark inside the house. If you go outside to see more, you leave behind the source of light you had inside. You might find a torch to take outside with you but, you cannot take the house lights with you, and the torch won’t help you see the stars.
I realized this particular sadness in my hostel traveling in beautiful Portugal after hiking up to see the castles. My window was open and I could hear the street and people eating, laughing, listening to music. I was with my mom and I’d had such an amazing time but the thought “it never goes away” was so much heavier than the sad feeling itself
Damn good point. As humans, we chase things all over the world, trying to find ourselves, find meaning, find purpose. But if we fail to look inward, evaluate, and iterate, we never truly discover the path we are meant to be on.
The thing is that in the end taste doesn’t matter appetite does. And actually appetite doesn’t really matter. Connection does. And the way to connection is kindness, loving kindness. The poor sad friend in the isolated hovel knows peace from love from giving. Anything less and you are lost no matter what you eat or where you go
Anthony Bourdain didn't kill himself. He was terminated for challenging the Clinton crime family. He wasn't the first, and he probably isn't the last. You can call me crazy and delusional but I stand by my assertion. I believe the evidence backs it up.
Katie this was an amazing piece! So glad I found it. I have a deep connection with Bourdain and still struggle with the same question you raise in here. How is that someone that saw everything still decided to leave? Maybe we’ll never know, maybe, if we’re lucky, we’ll get to see a tiny piece of the beauty and humanity he got to see.
It’s obvious no one here truly grasps depression or addiction. He wasn’t just performing—he was running on empty, drowning in adrenaline and alcohol, mistaking chaos for purpose. He swapped heroin for another kind of self-destruction, trading one high for another in a desperate search for meaning.
And now?
His death isn’t just a tragedy—it’s a mirror. A reflection of our shared failure: the refusal to face ourselves. We’d rather chase distractions than sit with the silence where truth lives. This is another kind of “great depression”— the unseen battle.
So strange: I thought about travelling, different ways of travelling this morning, and I stumbled over Bourdains words concerning travelling. And par hazard I read your substack this evening.
"Travel isn't always pretty. It isn't always comfortable. Sometimes it hurts, it even breaks your heart. But that's okay. The journey changes you; it should change you. It leaves marks on your memory, on your consciousness, on your heart, and on your body. You take something with you. Hopefully, you leave something good behind."
This essay feels misleading… I think Bourdain took his life had much more to do with his addictions and addictive tendencies rather than getting the full experience of life yet it still wasn’t enough… it’s much more about mental health than just mentality.
Your reflection captures something beautiful: those who feel most deeply often carry the heaviest burden. Bourdain absorbed the gifts and the curses of the world in full force. He is well missed!
Warning, it will shatter your illusion of him. He left his wife and daughter to have an affair with another woman. And he then killed himself once she wouldn’t stop cheating on him.
This same woman also committed statutory rape and Bourdain paid to have it covered up. You can enjoy Bourdain’s writing and shows for sure, but learning this made me pretty much lose most of my respect for him. Cool he is not.
I saw him in a different light when I watched the episodes he made with Asia. She's like a poison toad. He was madly in love with a woman I wouldn't want to share a bus shelter with for ten minutes. People are mysterious.
I literally just joined Substack this morning and this is the first thing I’ve actually read. I am so moved by your poignant words. A couple of things really struck me like an arrow. I had to follow you immediately and I’m really looking forward to this.
Cool people - and people with good taste- also have depression. They are not mutually exclusive. Being cool can’t cure depression. Eating amazing food can’t cure depression.
This is nothing more than a indulgent puff piece that romantices trauma, depression and destructive coping mechanisms. It's designed to appeal and be applauded because we all miss Tony and wish to think well of him, but the author fails to recognise, acknowledge, or engage with the dark and very ugly truths about mental illness, addicition, or suicide. Instead this trivialises deadly issues, wraps them in rock'n'roll pastiche, sprinkles it with a little tortured heroism, and sells it back to you, neutered and anodised for delicate palates. There's no searing chilli of truth to be found in anything said here. Tony would spit this bloated piece of crap out in an instant and tell you to fuck off!
I always wondered how someone who traveled so much and got to see so much of this wide world, still chooses to leave it. That was until I started traveling myself and understood that no matter where you are, you can’t escape what is inside you. You just carry it with you.
Yes, I use to say: “ Sadly, you follow yourself around“.
Sadly, the more you travel the world, the bleaker coming home becomes. You realise the inequality around you and how you're only lucky because you won the geographic lottery.
This emptiness soon follows you home, and what better to do than to feel the highs again, so you keep travelling. But once you're back, you fall into the same feedback loop of highs and lows all over again.
I think this is the reason why Bourdain never setttled into a permanent place, he's constantly running. But you can only run so much till you outpace yourself - and that's sadly what happened to him.
I know this sounds crazy but it wasn’t a suicide
Go on, spill it...
I read he was killed for exposing child trafficking via a movie he was helping to produce. The other two men involved in the film coincidently also suicided themselves. I think not.
I didn't know that; hopefully someone else will finish it and release it...
I highly doubt it, considering the message sent by these deaths. Who knows what is true.
The story is a bit unbelievable but I have a psychic friend who is also a medium and she has spoken to him in spirit several times. He was getting a little depressed the more he was in show business but it was because of what he saw in the industry. He loved his daughter and never wanted to go. He was forced to because he said he would expose things that people didn’t want exposed.
Does that change your view of him?
I don't know. I liked his books and shows, but lost respect for him when he put Asia Argento in his show. She came across as toxic to me, and he was clearly in love with her. He left his family to be with her. So it's complicated.
They were more alike than not
He saw something he wasn’t meant to see at the Standard Hotel.
Travelling non-stop can also lead to a feeling of constant dissociation. How do you stay somewhere, when you aren’t really anywhere.
God, brilliant point, you’re dealing with so much nostalgia or with post-vacation blues, and it only increases the more impactful or transforming the trip, isn’t it?
Perhaps you’re trying to meet yourself somewhere ‘on the road’ and hope you do …because it’s a long road. I wonder if that’s a reason why some of us despair and lose our hearts and minds….
Could we therefore say that reading, meditation, self-discovery and learning how to be with ourselves is necessary to sustain our own lives, else we would fall into deeper despairs?
Sounds like an opportunistic reflection - just I am one with the mantra: “The world begins and ends entirely inside your mind.”
House Lights
Imagine you are in an isolated house in the countryside where there are no city or street lights and when you look outside at night, you cannot see much. What you see, is illuminated by the lights of the house you are in. To see more, you might switch off the house lights, and although you can see more once your eyes adjust, it is then dark inside the house. If you go outside to see more, you leave behind the source of light you had inside. You might find a torch to take outside with you but, you cannot take the house lights with you, and the torch won’t help you see the stars.
Wherever you go there you are— Jon Kabat-Zinn
Buckaroo Banzai, actually. Came out in 1984, ten years before Mr Kabat-Zinn’s book. Tho both owe a lot to Confucius.
'...you can't escape what is inside you. You just carry it with you.'
I have no words.
“You can’t get away from yourself by moving from place to place” - Ernest Hemingway
Traveling full time for over 3 years now... I understand exactly what you mean.
Coulsnt agree more with this
I realized this particular sadness in my hostel traveling in beautiful Portugal after hiking up to see the castles. My window was open and I could hear the street and people eating, laughing, listening to music. I was with my mom and I’d had such an amazing time but the thought “it never goes away” was so much heavier than the sad feeling itself
Damn good point. As humans, we chase things all over the world, trying to find ourselves, find meaning, find purpose. But if we fail to look inward, evaluate, and iterate, we never truly discover the path we are meant to be on.
You take yourself wherever you go.
The thing is that in the end taste doesn’t matter appetite does. And actually appetite doesn’t really matter. Connection does. And the way to connection is kindness, loving kindness. The poor sad friend in the isolated hovel knows peace from love from giving. Anything less and you are lost no matter what you eat or where you go
Anthony Bourdain didn't kill himself. He was terminated for challenging the Clinton crime family. He wasn't the first, and he probably isn't the last. You can call me crazy and delusional but I stand by my assertion. I believe the evidence backs it up.
Katie this was an amazing piece! So glad I found it. I have a deep connection with Bourdain and still struggle with the same question you raise in here. How is that someone that saw everything still decided to leave? Maybe we’ll never know, maybe, if we’re lucky, we’ll get to see a tiny piece of the beauty and humanity he got to see.
Inner demons are lifetime passengers
It’s obvious no one here truly grasps depression or addiction. He wasn’t just performing—he was running on empty, drowning in adrenaline and alcohol, mistaking chaos for purpose. He swapped heroin for another kind of self-destruction, trading one high for another in a desperate search for meaning.
And now?
His death isn’t just a tragedy—it’s a mirror. A reflection of our shared failure: the refusal to face ourselves. We’d rather chase distractions than sit with the silence where truth lives. This is another kind of “great depression”— the unseen battle.
Whew calling out truth over here. Thank you. True for me and I wouldn't even say I struggle with depression, as such.
So strange: I thought about travelling, different ways of travelling this morning, and I stumbled over Bourdains words concerning travelling. And par hazard I read your substack this evening.
"Travel isn't always pretty. It isn't always comfortable. Sometimes it hurts, it even breaks your heart. But that's okay. The journey changes you; it should change you. It leaves marks on your memory, on your consciousness, on your heart, and on your body. You take something with you. Hopefully, you leave something good behind."
Anthony Bourdain
This essay feels misleading… I think Bourdain took his life had much more to do with his addictions and addictive tendencies rather than getting the full experience of life yet it still wasn’t enough… it’s much more about mental health than just mentality.
People like Bourdain are truly needed in today’s world. Tony is extremely missed and this piece captured his essence perfectly.
Amazing work!
This is such a beautifully written piece. I ask myself the same thing about Bourdain, so much life and excitement.
tw:
But then I remember that depression is real and it doesn’t discriminate.
There have been times I’d overlook a gorgeous sunset on a mountain in a foreign land and think, how wonderful it’d be just to jump.
Your reflection captures something beautiful: those who feel most deeply often carry the heaviest burden. Bourdain absorbed the gifts and the curses of the world in full force. He is well missed!
this made me cry, it is so beautiful
Oh wow, thank you so much for sharing your reaction to the piece. I’m honoured it struck something in you 🫶🏻 thank you for reading x
You should look up why he did commit suicide.
Warning, it will shatter your illusion of him. He left his wife and daughter to have an affair with another woman. And he then killed himself once she wouldn’t stop cheating on him.
This same woman also committed statutory rape and Bourdain paid to have it covered up. You can enjoy Bourdain’s writing and shows for sure, but learning this made me pretty much lose most of my respect for him. Cool he is not.
Amen to that. His suicide has been glorified ….. as so many suicides are. People refuse to see the banality of it.
I saw him in a different light when I watched the episodes he made with Asia. She's like a poison toad. He was madly in love with a woman I wouldn't want to share a bus shelter with for ten minutes. People are mysterious.
She obviously ain’t great either but Bourdain is a grown man. He isn’t a teenage boy being manupulated by an older woman, he was in his 50s.
Nor was he an innocent victim, the dude abandoned his 11 year old daughter because his toxic dream girl asked him to.
It makes it really hard to see him in any other way other than an extremely pathetic light.
Was looking for this comment. It’s public information fr!
Unfortunately, the events leading up to his suicide are not mysterious.
I literally just joined Substack this morning and this is the first thing I’ve actually read. I am so moved by your poignant words. A couple of things really struck me like an arrow. I had to follow you immediately and I’m really looking forward to this.
One of my favorite muses to this day. Thank you for this sweet nod.
Cool people - and people with good taste- also have depression. They are not mutually exclusive. Being cool can’t cure depression. Eating amazing food can’t cure depression.
This is nothing more than a indulgent puff piece that romantices trauma, depression and destructive coping mechanisms. It's designed to appeal and be applauded because we all miss Tony and wish to think well of him, but the author fails to recognise, acknowledge, or engage with the dark and very ugly truths about mental illness, addicition, or suicide. Instead this trivialises deadly issues, wraps them in rock'n'roll pastiche, sprinkles it with a little tortured heroism, and sells it back to you, neutered and anodised for delicate palates. There's no searing chilli of truth to be found in anything said here. Tony would spit this bloated piece of crap out in an instant and tell you to fuck off!
Nice writing Katie, really nice. Bourdain was a legend.